My business owning, family man, coaching client is undeniably successful by current measures. Yesterday, he told me how his friendship is back on track, and he is meeting up with his mate for a private appointment at a place in Beverley Hills where they sell Rolex. My client and his friend are both collectors. That’s how he rolls. And he told me about it with some glee, though more related to his navigating the repaired friendship than to watches.

This man is deeply entrenched in living the American dream. He has the bells and whistles. When we met, he looked pretty good on the outside and on paper. He felt pretty awful on the inside. Anxious, an imposter, fearful, always accusing himself of not doing enough for his business, young children, and his family’s future. Paranoid about others’ motives. Unable to commit to decisions and get around to actions and unable to let it go or delegate too. Also, ill. He was tolerating a painful, debilitating, stress-related condition.

In our coaching session, he acknowledged how chill he is generally feeling these days and the progress he’s made on prioritising his health treatment. He reported making a big business decision with ease and being comfortable with his new relationship with work. He’s directing more than doing and owning his strengths, skills, and aptitudes as a leader.

All brilliant, amazing, life-transforming stuff for which he has worked hard, dug deep, faced demons, and implemented new attitudes and behaviors. The biggest delight showed however when he described a recent house cleaning escapade with his wife and young children. The cleaner is away, and they’re making do. He described the great fun of little ones wrangling with brooms and mops and making as much mess as they cleared. It sounded like a lot of laughter and play for three out of four family members.

His wife, who is tired from midlife work and parenting combined, found the whole experience stressful. She was scared that engaging in cleaning and seeing their parents engage in cleaning might lower the children’s aspirations. She was stressed to be doing that household task rather than out at a museum, the country club, or the beach.

So why am I sharing this story? Because it encapsulates what so many of us struggle with. The bells and whistles in and of themselves are not the ingredients for peace, joy, and presence. They do not deliver the happiness we have been promised. We have been sold! In fact, when we attach our sense of satisfaction and meaning to external and future rewards and approvals, we risk missing out on what’s right in front of us here, now.

And, furthermore, when we take time and find the courage to sort the inside stuff out and live our days guided by our own inner values and meaning, marvelously we access our passion, purpose, and capabilities with increasing ease enabling us to have more energy, be more effective and to have the impact we want and to really enjoy the ride.

If despite your outer success you find yourself inwardly dissatisfied it might be time for a new chapter. Life is here and now. Don’t miss it chasing someone else’s definition of success.

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